an honest check in: wedding edition.
Every little girl dreams of their wedding, or so I am told. The dress, the flowers, the reception, the drama — this is the stuff of Disney Princess fairy tale fantasies.
Except for me, apparently.
As a kid, I never really thought about marriage. A wedding was not the thing that I dreamed about. This could be the result of having two unmarried parents, wherein one parent (my father) used words like ‘fiance’ and wanted to get married like a long time ago, and the other (my mother) dodged all attempts at commitment and frequently advised me to ‘never settle’ and ‘remember that your father and I aren’t soul mates.’
So yeah. Marriage wasn’t my thing.
I thought I was going to roam the globe like a nomad, writing and eating and reading my way through the world. I would bring back little gifts (artwork perhaps, or those tiny tribal sculptures of tiki men that no one really knows what culture they are supposedly from — are they african? hawaiian? east asian???) for my nieces and nephews and would forever reign as the “cool aunt”. Relationships were entertaining, and maybe deep down I was desperate to be loved, but commitment was not the thing for me.
And then I met Liam and all that went out the window.
Liam and I were already planning our wedding less than a year into our relationship. We had a Pinterest board dedicated to the event, and we had a date picked. Finally, about a year and a half before the date arrived, we got down to brass tax and really started to plan the thing in detail.
A few things happened.
The tiny intimate un-intimidating soiree that I had envisioned (that excluded family, and would either be just the two of us, or the two of us and a few very close friends) was shot down.
Liam’s beloved grandfather (a deacon in the Catholic church) had some significant heart problems.
Liam’s sister got engaged, to the boy she had met less than a year prior on Hinge.
Then… all hell broke loose.
Liam decided absolutely that he needed his grandfather to officiate. We had spoken with him about it in the past, and he had been willing to do it, but as per Catholic tradition, it had to be in the church and there were a number of rituals that went along with it. I didn’t want this, like at all, and as such we were moving in a more elopment-ish direction — but Liam is very close to his grandfather and given the scare with his heart, Liam really, really wanted this.
Then, Liam’s sister became furious that our date was two months after the wedding date she chose and insisted that we move our date. Oh, and after looking at our two-years-in-the-making plans, she felt like the were too similar to hers.
Up until this point, I had been trying tirelessly to get these people to like me. His whole family. I dripped in sickeningly sweet behavior, oozed helpfulness and care (i.e. “just checking on you” texts, despite never hearing from these people ever, unless they needed something.), and even considered converting to Catholicism since that seemed to be the only way to actually get them to care about me.
The family decided to take Liam’s sister’s side, since Liam hadn’t officially dropped down to one knee and proposed yet. After we explained that it was more important to have a down payment for a house than a fancy ring, they dug their heels in because we “didn’t do things in the proper order” and I about lost my lunch.
The wedding meant a lot to Liam so we moved forward with our plans, and Liam’s sister stopped talking to me for a solid six months.
Wedding plans went as smoothly as they can (former brides, ya’ll know.) and then about six or so months out I was in a major car accident - my first accident ever. I was in another two months later. I guess my near death experience changed her heart because she started speaking to me again and put me in her wedding as a bridesmaid. I was touched, until not too long after, she told me she wasn’t having a bachelorette party, and proceeded to post photos of her bachelorette party to Instagram.
That summer we got through my SIL’s wedding — where I ran around putting fires out because one of her guests was causing the most BPD scene I have ever witnessed. (Running out of the toast speeches crying, wandering around outside oh her phone hysterically, drunkenly returning and pouring her drink on extended family members because she couldn’t walk straight, etc.) I spent nearly the entire evening watching this guest, corralling her away from people, and trying to comfort her. My husband and I were the only ones who stayed to clean up; the rest of my SIL’s friends and family members decided to go to a bar, leaving us alone to break down with my in laws.
Now. My wedding happened in the fall. I circulated an itinerary for the weekend months before, in which the plan was very clear: Saturday was rehearsal and family activities at our place. Sunday morning, everyone would get ready as a family at our home and then head to the venue for the wedding. This was VERY CLEAR, and okayed by all involved.
That week, we were at my in laws’, and I said something to the effect of ‘Sunday morning will be fun.’
My MIL looked at me like I said she should join our orgy.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said.
So I pulled out the itinerary that she received, which explained that our families would be getting ready at our house together on Sunday.
“No one told me this.” was her response.
I was dumbfounded.
“There is so much going on. We’re helping you guys with so much I don’t think I’ll have time to come over.”
That was immediately bogus to me. I asked her what she was doing, since I hired staff to set up and a day of coordinator who can help with anything that might come up.
“Well, I gotta tell you that it makes me uncomfortable. This just isn’t how we do things,” she said.
She went on to tell me that we were doing things the wrong way; that the bride and groom were supposed to get ready separately and their families weren’t supposed to intermingle this way. I saw how my SIL’s wedding went, and was deliberately choosing to do things wrong.
“Look,” I told her. “No one is trying to make you uncomfortable but here’s the situation. Your son would like you to be present as he gets ready for his wedding. I don’t have parents so it would be nice if someone’s were there. We are asking you to come for an hour so we can be together as a family, since family is very important to us. We don’t need you to do anything but be present. The photographer and videographer will be there and it will be a good time.”
She looked around shiftily and said that this was unnecessary and we could just take photos at the venue.
At this point my then fiance comes over and is like, mom wtf this isn’t about photos???
All of a sudden, she just gushes and drapes herself over him. “Awwwww my baby, am I hurting your feelings? I hope I’m not hurting your feelings. Am I???”
Looking mildly uncomfortable himself, he said, “Well I guess not but I really wanted you there.”
She immediately peels herself off and goes, “Well good then. I won’t come on Sunday but I PROMISE I’ll come to the festivities on Saturday. That is the best compromise!!!”
Saturday comes. We have the rehearsal. Everyone comes back to our place for family activities, the men, Liam’s brother and father, our crew — everyone. …Except my MIL and SIL.
After hours of waiting for their arrival, and trying to get a hold of them, it turns out that they went to the mall because a store they liked was having a sale. They didn’t show up at all.
When I tell you that I am still livid to this day. Liam was so, SO disappointed.
Also, to note: my MIL wore a very light grey, almost silvery white, gown to the wedding. And my friend came back to me and said that she and my SIL were comparing our wedding to hers the entire night, showing photos and generally being critical. My MIL did the same thing at my bridal shower.
We will never trust these people, again.
So much went wrong that night, too. We never got to eat, or do any of the small activities I’d planned into the schedule for just us. The DJ did not play the playlist that I asked him to stick to, instead opting to play his own techno remixes of songs we didn’t choose. As such, the dance floor was pretty much empty. Our hired staff left early without breaking down so we had to clean up. There were questions about my family, or the lack thereof, and I felt fat in my dress.
The whole thing felt rushed, forced, and honestly disappointing.
There were some really beautiful things that came of it — we got married for one. Our wedding party got so close; the group of friends that pulled together to help make this happen for us became a family. We went to Vegas together. We are going on regular camping trips. We celebrate holidays together. For that reason alone, I wouldn’t change a thing. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have an army around me.
And clearly, I was trying too hard for the last five years to make things work with my in laws. Something that I have learned is, you can’t make everyone like you. Not everyone values the same things you do, and not everyone is true to their word. Blood isn’t thicker than water. Its okay to take a step back, see someone’s actions for what they are, and readjust your choices.
My husband and I learned to start setting boundaries because of this experience. We will be investing our energies into relationships and people where we see an ROI, rather than in relationships were we feel obligated to give.
We are also having a second wedding, with just the people that matter, far far away in a few years.
Ultimately, shit happens. It is what it is and we are moving on. I am still hanging onto some of this anger, and to be honest — I might work on it but I have never been good at letting go. I’m not confident that I will ever let it go.
But I can try to readjust my sights, and keep sailing.
