thoughts on friendship in 2021
Living in the twenty first century as a young adult is challenging. Making friends is challenging. And I’m not talking ‘how’s your dog??? let’s do brunch!!!’ friends. I’m talking ‘ride or die, I will truly be there for you through anything’ friends. Despite all of the ‘be kind’ mantras, and the national passion for social justice, no one really seems to care about people.
They only care about themselves.
My first real best friend was a girl named Mel, who I became very close to at work and eventually rescued me from my abusive family by helping me move out and get settled. When all of the mixed politics came out over the pandemic, her spouse grew less and less fond of me and the friendship fell apart when I was disinvited to their wedding. Mel, however, tried her best to stay in contact with me and tirelessly put our friendship first -- even when I didn’t. We disagree about some things and our interactions are at times awkward, but we talk every now and then.
My other best friend, Sam, and I had an intense connection from day one. We met and all of a sudden we were inseparable. She was going to be the maid of honor at my wedding. I helped put her back together when her relationship fell apart. We were sisters. She had a very poor pattern of conflict management with her other relationships that I was attempting to help her identify and fix -- passive aggressive behaviors, lack of problem solving skills, a serious defensive attitude when confronted with flaws. Usually, Sam would cut the person she was upset with off instead of attempting to have a conversation. And for some reason, I didn’t think she would do it to me. (She did.)
I met Lisa on Bumble a few months ago and she is tenacious, and sweet. She is from Germany and has a different outlook on life and relationships than most young people I know. We don’t have a super close relationship yet but I chat with her often.
Then there’s my friend Anna from college, who I don’t talk to often but I know she would be there for me if I needed her for anything. We are close for three hours and then don’t talk for several months.
I was hurt by what happened with Mel, but honestly, what happened with Sam was devastating to me. I was forced to ask myself, how did I get here? How did I allow this to happen to me?
More than anything, I blame myself for ignoring the red flags. Our friendship mostly consisted of me acting as her therapist, and personal assistant. And I just let it happen. Once, Sam didn’t talk to me for days when I couldn’t make it to her birthday party because I literally had covid.
Another time, I was shaken up by a family incident so I called her on my drive home. I told her how upset I was, and explained what happened. It was not a small issue.
Several seconds passed before she even responded to me. I wondered if she was even still on the line.
“Sorry, I’m watching TV with my mom.”
She continued to be distant and didn’t say much, until I finally got frustrated with her lack of presence and told her it wasn’t that big of a deal and I would let her get back to her show.
When we would meet up for lunch, I usually ended up chauffeuring her because she wanted to save money and charge her Tesla at free charging locations. So I used my (expensive) gas to get her there. And I often ended up paying for her meals, gifts, manicures, whatever -- which was not often reciprocated.
I never, ever said anything about it. I just gave, and gave, and gave because I loved her.
Why though? Why didn’t I say anything?
I think my fear of losing people keeps me quiet. I will sit in discomfort and deal with it so as to keep people happy, and to keep them near me. The few times that I have gently criticized Sam, she flipped the fuck out on me. Immediate defense. She cannot have a flaw, at all. Occasionally, I could get her to partially recognize toxic behavior but usually she would go right back to it when some conflict occurred in her life.
I have learned a few things from this.
A real friend would value your relationship over their own feelings. Trying to solve a conflict (because it happens, even in the best of friendships) becomes more important than hanging onto anger.
If you’re unhappy, or feel like a relationship is uneven, say something. Someone who truly cares about you will make the effort to listen to and accommodate your feelings.
While I don’t believe in cutting people out as a first step to solving problems, there is a time and place for taking space from dysfunction. If you have done all you can to fix the situation, and the other party will not work as a team, then please -- protect your mental health.
Stop taking social media seriously. It is not the real world.
You matter just as much as other people do to you.
