It’s Their Choice... Let It Go.

Earlier this week, I found myself in the car with my soon-to-be mother in law. I was driving, golden sun beams blinding us both, through the neighborhoods of Baltimore City. We had just finished a walk through of a beautiful indoor botanical garden where, in nine months, I will be marrying her son.

We did not always have this relationship. For a long time, things were awkward. I was the opposite of what she wanted for her son — not Catholic, not blonde, not particularly charismatic or graceful. And, I come from a very broken home. Our interactions were limited to ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’, and it stayed that way for years. I didn’t blame her. She already had a daughter. I was just that odd onion ring that was somehow mixed into the carton of fries — she didn’t order it, or want it, but… here it is, regardless.

Now, we chat. I take her to the Xfinity office to return her rental equipment. She guides me through planning our wedding. We bonded mostly over family politics (which we both avoid at all costs), and it has honestly been the most wonderful blessing.

On this car ride home, she asked me if I was planning to invite my family to the wedding.

“I tried.” I told her, shaking my head.

The truth is I sent a couple texts to my father and sister (my mother, I think, has me blocked) and heard no response. I said everything that I possibly could.

My fiancé and I want to do everything we can to repair our relationships, so that you can be present.

Regardless of what transpired, I love and miss you.

I know you didn’t want to be part of my life but I didn’t want to exclude you.

It didn’t matter what I said. It didn’t even matter when both of my grandmothers attempted to step in and talk to them. They would not respond to any of it.

For a while (and honestly, still sometimes) this was devastating. I wondered, did I do something wrong? What have I done to upset them so much? Could there be something beyond what I am realizing that has caused this?

There is, of course, a time and place for this type of accountability. I am a firm believer in the concept of ‘it takes two to tango.’

However. After much discussion with my other family members, I began to realize: My parents are deeply, deeply unhealthy. Their relationship, their life choices, their mental health... They are not well people.

When I moved out of their home at 21, I opened the window to let the truth out. Whether intentionally, or not, they are abusive and destructive — to themselves and to others. I think it is easier to vilify me, and avoid the subject, than to admit the truth. Thus, they relinquish all accountability, responsibility, and guilt.

It took a long, long time for me to get there. It still stings to this day, but I am capable of reminding myself that their choices are not my fault.

“I think you should send an invite anyway.” My mother in law said this and nodded her head firmly.

I did not know what to say to this. “Fuuuuuck that” came to mind. But I stayed quiet.

“What does it cost? The cost of a postage stamp?” She reasoned. “This way, the choice is theirs, not yours. And you will have done everything you could, truly.”

I contemplated this for a while. She had a fair point.

What if she was right? What if, by not sending an invite, I was holding on to that last bit of control? Since you didn’t respond to my text, I will withhold my invitation. So THERE, no wedding for you.

What if… my reaction was just as bad as my parents’?

What if… I did send the invitation. What if… they do respond?

HAHA, as if.

What if… they don’t respond?

Ordinarily, I would be crushed. Absolutely devastated and crying and snotting and withdrawing and spiraling etc.

But what if I relinquished that? What if I let go of this entire situation? What if I let the choice be theirs… and let go of the rest?

What if I learned from their mistakes, and made the mature decision?

Letting go, I have learned, is a lot harder than holding on.